February 14, 2011

Gentlemen, Start Your Engines

Dear Tom Selleck . . .

Happy Valentine's Day!  And I mean it!  I used to hate Valentine's Day.  My parents were married on Valentine's Day, so growing up everything at our house was all hearts all of the time.  It was overkill and I was burnt out on the whole concept by the time I was 3ish 7ish.

Now that my dad is chilling with real cherubs and my mother has moved onto another husband, I can enjoy this time of year however I want.  This year, Miss Thing and I made over 70 valentines for my charity and had SO much fun doing it!  With the valentines dropped off by others, I got to deliver over 1000 valentines to kids today!!!  AWESOME!

Do you know what else I'm excited about today, Mr. Selleck?  Tomorrow is the first day of dating season!  What, you didn't know there was a season for dating?  Well there is for me and it runs from February 15th through October 1st each year.  I get asked why all of the time, but the answer seems so simple to me.  After October 1st, we have my birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day.  All awkward (that word itself is awkward, isn't it?) in a new relationship.  So if I haven't begun dating someone by October 1st, I close down shop for a few (or so) months.

I do keep the drive-through carry-out business running.  If you know what I mean Tom.  *wink wink, nudge nudge*

So as we head into the much anticipated dating season, I thought I'd brush the dust off of a personal ad I wrote years ago, before I realized internet dating wasn't for me:

It's all about balance for me. I am equal parts . . . 
- Irish and German
- 1950's housewife and independent single mom 
- country and rock and roll 
- coffee and bourbon 
- the ballet and dive bar 
- professional and letting loose 

Enough about me. Let's talk about you. 

I am looking for someone who . . . 
- knows how I take my coffee and can make a perfect cup 
- gets excited about clean sheet night 
- lets me go but misses me when I'm gone 
- has two eyebrows 
- can order a drink for me and have it waiting when I get there 
- has an innie bellybutton 
- thinks pj's are sexy 
- makes me laugh 
- turns me on 
- can be quiet 
- will stay up all night talking about nothing 
- loves music 
- wears boxers 
- has his own opinions but an open mind 
- can kiss passionately 
- likes to hold hands 
- wants to dance in the house 
- is not afraid to experiment and explore 
- finds individuality attractive 
- opens doors for me 
- helps me with my coat 
- loves to drive 
- makes me feel safe 
- appreciates vacuum lines 

In return you will get nothing less than authenticity.  You can take it or leave it.

What do you think?

I'm thinking about having bright neon yellow flyers printed and doing a mass mailing.  Or maybe just running a few hundred copies at Kinko's and sticking them on all of the windshields at the strip mall.

true story.

Edie B. Kuhl


  1. Having two eyebrows is uber importante!

  2. At least if I start switching sides I'll know what door to knock on first. Aaaawww, it felt like your wrote that description just for me! (Other than likes to drive, I don't mind it, I just don't consider myself a driver).

    p.s. what's a vacuum line?
    p.p.s. guess what I've got in my mouth right now?

    ツ my cyber house rules

  3. OMG. We may be soul mates. Just sayin... Also, don't discount the outy belly button. My hubby has one, and it's not that bad.

  4. Jules - Absolutely!!!

    Nikki - If only one of us had a penis.
    p.s. You know, the lines on the carpet from the vacuum. But you probably don't get much of that on a boat, do you?
    p.p.s. Is it weird that I know what's in your mouth? And it's not my fake penis. :)

    Summer - I have a vision in my head of it rubbing on me when we're doing the deed. Does that happen?

  5. You people make me feel dirty...
    dirty dirty dirty!

  6. Pat - Penis. Penis. Penis. Balls. Just seemed the only appropriate response. Go shower.


Hit me with your best shot.