February 7, 2011

What's Your Sign?

Dear Tom Selleck . . .

For the record, I don't stalk you.  I actually know very little about you, including your birthday, and I have vowed to never Google you.  The only facts I will ever take as gospel are those you share directly with me.  You're welcome.

If I did know your birthday, I'd read you your horoscope for the week.  But I don't, so let's just focus on me.  As usual.  I'm a Libra, Tom.  Makes you love me even more, doesn't it?  Just wait until you hear my horoscope for the week, courtesy of Rob Brezsny's Freewill Astrology, in our local Sunday newspaper:

Happy Valentine Daze, Libra.  It's my astrological opinion that you need more jokes, comedy and humor in your romantic adventures.  If you're too serious about seeking the pleasures of love you can't get what you want.  To inspire your efforts, I present the winning entry from last year's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.  It was judged the worst possible opening line for a novel, but it's perfect fodder for the project I've assigned you:

"For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity's affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss - a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil."

I'll wait while you collect yourself and change your pants after peeing them from laughing.  Or was that just me?  This was one of those things that made me tilt my head and ask, what the fuck Jeannie?!

After collecting myself (and changing my pants), I decided to share this and see if I get any bites.  Maybe I'll even cut it out of the paper, glue it on a red heart-shaped doily glued on pink construction paper and mail a few out that say "Be Mine?", and patiently wait for the responses to flood in.  Mr. Right could be just one Valentine away!  What do you think?

Bottom line is, I do want a boy who will pee himself laughing at that.  I really, really do.

true story.

Edie B. Kuhl

7 comments:

  1. I'm confused. Are you looking for a gerbil to drink your saliva? And second question: was this really your weekly horoscope? The whole thing? Really? And at what point will I stop saying "Really?"

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  2. Nikki - So what if I am looking for a gerbil to drink my saliva? Whose business would it be anyway? I just want the boy who thinks that's funny. I still have not stopped saying 'REALLY?' since I read it, so this may take a while. What's your sign? I'll send you yours from the paper since I can't seem to find these exact ones online.

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  3. The visual on that will forever be burned in my mind. hahaha.

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  4. I'm an aries, but that was before the new,astrology crap, and I decided to remain a head bucking stubborn old aries... really.

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  5. Hilarious! Good luck on the gerbil pee-pants guy :)

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  6. Nikki - Miss Thing is an Aries. No wonder we connect! Here's your horoscope for the week from my paper:

    "Before I loved you, nothing was my own," wrote Pablo Neruda to his lover in one of his sonnets. "It all belonged to someone else - to no one." Have you ever experienced a sense of being dispossessed like that, Aries? A sense of there being nowhere and nothing in the world that you can call your own? And have you ever fantasized that your emptiness could be remedied by the intimate presence of a special companion? I wish for you to have that consoling experience in the coming week. In fact, I predict it. Happy Valentine Daze!

    Seriously! true story. ;)

    Mad Fat Girl - Thanks! If you know one, send him my way.

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Hit me with your best shot.