May 19, 2011

A Deer, A Female Deer

Dear Tom Selleck . . .

I know it's been forever and a day since I've written and I'm sorry.  Kind of.  Don't worry, I still want you to play the part of my dad on the silver screen.  I think about you and our blockbuster a lot.  But the truth is, I've had shit going on and shit going down and the shit just got real.  I've been in a bit of a haze trying to sort it all out.

What I've learned though, is that maybe I need to just stop trying to sort it all out and just roll over and float on down the stream with it.

So just as I was coming to this conclusion (for the 1,379,517th time in my life) today while parked in what I like to refer to as the enchanted forest, I looked over and saw a deer.  A doe.  A strong, peaceful, beautiful, content female deer.  And that's when I knew . . .

I knew everything is going to be alright.  I knew my dad was there with his watchful eye and wide open heart making sure everything is falling into perfect place for me.

I knew because of this:

I closed on my first home on the one year anniversary of my dad's death.  Bittersweet does not begin to describe that time in my life.  I was a daddy's girl and he was the only person I wanted - I needed - with me at that time and he was notably missing.  The night before my closing he came to me in a dream and said, "I'm right here with you Sis.  Everything's going to be alright."

The week I moved in, a buck deer stood in my backyard for several days and as crazy as it may sound . . . I knew it was my dad watching over me.  I could feel him.

The next house I bought, my dad sent the train as his blessing.

The next house there was yet another buck deer shortly after we moved in who spent nearly a week in our backyard watching over us.

When I lost it all and had to leave that house, he sent another buck to my new home to greet me.  In this house?  The train.

Tomorrow I am taking what some would see as a big risk by buying a home with my 'life savings' when I don't have a job - a paying one anyway.  Today I was freaking out over it and some other new developments I'll get around to telling you about in due time.

In true 'Dad' fashion, that's when the doe showed up.  I know she was sent by him to let me know all is right in my world and he is there every step of the way.  Being the ungrateful whiny little brat of a daughter that I am, I challenged my dad with, "Is that all you've got Dad?  I don't deserve a buck this time?  Just this lousy doe?"  Charming, aren't I?

That's when a friend of mine spoke up and pointed out all of the changes that have been taking place in my amazing life leading up to this point.  She believes this is my dad's way of letting me know I can do this on my own.  I don't need to rely on his strength anymore, just on my own strong peaceful spirit like that doe.  He'll be there, but this is all me this time.

I don't know for sure, and I'd never admit it out loud but I think she just may be right.

true story.

Edie B. Kuhl

5 comments:

  1. When my cousin passed, a rust colored cardinal followed me around for months.
    I believe!
    Good luck tomorrow. Hope this means we'll be seeing more post from you soon.

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  2. Damnit, Woman! I really don't want to start crying at work!

    You deserve nothing but absolute happiness and I am so excited for you! Don't be a stranger over here!

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  3. If a deer ever showed up outside my window, I think I would freak the fuck out. Out my window? On the dock? On this island? What next? Hail and locusts?

    I think its cool what you're going through. And you know you have a weird network of freaks like me behind you every step of the way.

    Your dad cracks me up. A deer.

    ツ my cyber house rules dot com

    ReplyDelete

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