July 11, 2012

The Questions I Ask Myself

Dear Tom Selleck . . .

Every day I ask myself the same question:  What if this is as good as it gets?

In the years since seeing the movie, 'As Good as It Gets', that question has plagued me by randomly popping into my head.  Most times it would evoke a sense of dread that the best of my days had already passed.  I would obsess over finding 'the best' moment of my life so far and know there was little chance it could ever be better than that, and therefore the future seemed dull.

It took a good long time, but my thinking has shifted in the last couple of years.  Now, I make it a point to ask myself that question every single day.  What if this is as good as it gets?  Most days, the answer is - then ok, everything is going to be alright.  I'm content and happy and feel extremely grateful and fortunate to be living this amazing life.

And then one day I asked myself:  What if I really can have it all?

Ask yourself that in the mirror in the middle of the night!  At first I laughed out loud at the thought of literally having it all.  And then I got a little scared.  Having it all is a lot!  Just imagine being able to have everything you've ever wished or imagined for yourself.  Wow.  That would be a lot to have.  I was terrified that just by asking myself that question, I would get exactly that - it all.  Knowing the sense of humor the universe surrounds me in, I thought I better start getting specific.

So then I started imagining what 'it all' looks like - to me.  I couldn't picture it.  At all.  Blank.  And then I remembered my 'vision book'.  Yes, I do have one.  Yes, I do like to cut things out of magazines and stick-glue them on pages.  Yes, sometimes I am still 15 years old on the inside.  But it works for me.

Anyhow, I got it out and looked through the pages of what I have always envisioned for myself.  I'm well on my way to having 'it all'.  Most of the 'all' I don't have yet, I can see the path to and know it's coming soon, but there is one section of the book I can't see a clear path to - the relationship pages.

I've done a lot of over-analyzing about the who's, what's, where's, why's, when's, and how's lately in the relationship pages of my life.  Still, no clear answers.  So I turned to my favorite part of my 'vision book' . . . two blank pages with big, bold letters in the top left corner that read:  "What I Know for Sure".  As big and open as I am in my thinking, I am also a natural born cynic and skeptic.  And I'm a Libra.  This personality combination makes me know nothing for sure.

It's the new question I ask myself all day, every day:  What do I know for sure?

Usually, the answer is still nothing.  Except . . . If he ever has a child to raise, I want it to be with me.

true story.

Edie B. Kuhl

2 comments:

  1. Very deep and very interesting! I think EVERY decision we make in life or any other person in our circle makes, changes what happens to us. It is what is and what it is changes constantly...
    Oh yeah, I'm on the Virgo/Libra cusp. So, not only am I also cynical, I'm also right...

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  2. Pat - There is a herd of hamsters running in wheels in my mind. Always. If and when I do make decisions . . . I'm always right. ;)

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